A surging desire to disappear, sink into the ground, or transform into someone else develops on every battlefield. You'd even give up a large portion of your contract to construct a time machine within seconds in order to go back in time several minutes.
In Week 6, the severity gauge for these mortifying moments was showing an unusually high reading for some teams and athletes who challenged our perceptions and paradigms of professionals.
1. Tennessee Titans - Their defense gave up 619 yards and 59 points in the snow while their offense put on a brilliant display of impotence by scoring zero points. It was like watching a high school game.
2. Kerry Collins - What's even more stunning is that Collins went 2 for 10 and -7 yards....in the whole game. That's really hard to wrap your mind around. It's like U2 filling up half a stadium. Something tells me that the Vince Young era will begin soon -- again.
3. Donovan McNabb - He called a timeout with 27 seconds left in the first half. The problem was that the team didn't have any left, and as a result Philly had to settle for a field goal. McNabb also admitted last year that he didn't know the overtime rules in the NFL. You know what? He just might be a candidate for Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader?
4. New York Giants - They were ranked #1 in offense and defense and appeared steadfast. Then they were introduced to Drew Brees who went out of his way to make the Giants feel welcomed. He unleashed 369 passing yards and 4 TD's while the offense accumulated 493 total yards and turned the G-men into a whipping post.
5. Philadelphia Eagles - Whenever you allow a circus act like the Raiders to hold you to three field goals and beat you, it's time to get a swift kick in the rear. The "Fire Andy" and "Bench McNabb" campaigns are gassing up.
6. Jim Zorn - Wow. What a week for coach Zorn. His Redskins lose to the Chiefs, their sixth straight winless team. As a result, his play-calling duties get stripped from him and given to Sherm Lewis who was calling bingo games last week.
7. Mark Sanchez - He began the year in pure Matt Ryan style by possessing a mature demeanor and uncanny ability to avoid mistakes. That came to a screeching halt in pure Ryan Leaf style when he threw 5 interceptions in his third straight loss vs. the Bills who had been unraveling themselves.
8. Dante Wesley - This brainless Carolina DB streaked down the field during a punt only to launch himself like a missile into Bucs returner Clifton Smith who had called for a fair catch. Smith suffered a concussion, and Wesley was ejected. He called it a mistimed hit. I guess the waving of the hand was misinterpreted as Smith flipping him off.
Let's take a look at the slate of games for Week 7 and hope that everyone can act a bit more professional this week.
- New England Patriots (4-2) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6): CBS, 1pm EST - And you thought 59 points was a lot.
- Indianapolis Colts (5-0) at St. Louis Rams (0-6): CBS, 1pm EST - I hope there are plenty of defibrillator kits on the Rams sidelines.
- San Diego Chargers (2-3) at KC Chiefs (1-5): CBS, 1pm EST - It's hard to be trusted on the road when your struggling on defense and running the ball. The Chargers enter a rowdy Arrowhead Stadium to face an inspired Chiefs team. UPSET PICK
- Minnesota Vikings (6-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2): FOX, 1pm EST - Both teams have bruising defenses and lethal offenses by ground and air. Favre and Big Ben are having career years, and this matchup of possible Super Bowl foes will be tremendous to watch. Next week, Favre goes to Green Bay.
- Green Bay Packers (3-2) at Cleveland Browns (1-5): FOX, 1pm EST - With next week's historical battle with Favre on their minds, the Packers must play smart football so as to not get caught in this trap game.
- San Francisco 49ers (3-2) at Houston Texans (3-3): FOX, 1pm EST - Inconsistency has reigned supreme in both cities this year, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that this is a statement game for both squads if they are to stay in their respective division races.
- Buffalo Bills (2-4) at Carolina Panthers (2-3): CBS, 4:05pm EST - This battle pits two teams who each have aging WR's griping once again about number of catches. Both will be clamoring against a top-5 secondary, but Ryan Fitzpatrick will be taking over for Trent Edwards so expect TO to continue to see his career slow down.
- NY Jets (3-3) at Oakland Raiders (2-4): CBS, 4:05pm EST - Typically, I would say that the Raiders and coach Tom "Break Jaw" Cable would be the perfect remedy for a horrendous three-game losing streak, but we are talking about the Jets who are in a tail spin and have only beaten the Raiders six times on the road in their history.
- Chicago Bears (3-2) at Cincinnati Bengals (4-2): FOX, 4:15pm EST - When an NFL player feels passionately about being mistreated by a former team, he is never lacking in motivation when it comes time to face that ex-franchise. Bengals and ex-Bears RB Cedric Benson does not have fond memories of the Windy City.
- Atlanta Falcons (4-1) at Dallas Cowboys (3-2): FOX, 4:15pm EST - This bye week couldn't have come at a better time for Dallas. It gave them a chance to heal and re-evaluate themselves. They will need to be hitting on all cylinders to win this shoot-out vs. this dangerous Falcons unit.
- New Orleans Saints (5-0) at Miami Dolphins (2-3): FOX, 4:15pm EST - If the Dolphins plan on winning this game, they need to keep the ball out of Drew Brees' hands by controlling the clock with The Wildcat. Meanwhile, the Saints have an underestimated running game too to go along with their blazing passing assault which will be targeting Miami's rookie CB's.
- Arizona Cardinals (3-2) at NY Giants (5-1): NBC, 8:20pm EST -There's no doubt that the key to this game is for NY's defensive line to pressure Kurt Warner like there's no tomorrow if the defense wants to avoid another torching. Losing two in a row is rare for these Giants and they're ticked.
- Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) at Washington Redskins (2-4): ESPN, 8:30pm EST, MNF - Longtime NFL assistant and ex-bingo caller Sherm Lewis was coerced out of retirement by Daniel Snyder to call plays for poor ole' Jim Zorn, who has learned that his job is safe the rest of the season. Huh?
BYE: BALTIMORE RAVENS, TENNESSEE TITANS, JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, DENVER BRONCOS, DETROIT LIONS, SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
STANDINGS
Chris Mortensen: 6-8, 64-26
Cris Carter: 10-4, 64-26
Adam Schefter: 8-6, 63-27
Keyshawn Johnson: 9-5, 62-28
Mike Ditka: 9-5, 60-30
Peter King: 6-8, 60-30
Eddie Chinn: 7-7, 59-31
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