Sean Taylor. Adrian Peterson's return. A JaMarcus Russell sighting in Oakland. San Diego remembering L.T. still played for them. Self-destruction demonstrations in New Orleans and Baltimore. Another soggy Pittsburgh win and an even more despondent state-of-affairs in Miami...again..
There was a lot happening in the NFL this weekend, but one can't overlook what transpired in The Stadium Where God Can Watch His Favorite Team --- and I'm not necessarily talking about the NFC clash that lived up to its hype when Dallas reached the playoffs by ransacking the Pack. I'm referring to the chief denizen of the broadcast team in the NFL Network booth. If you don't get the station and missed the game, I'm sorry for bringing up painful memories.
Bryant Gumbel deserves to be calling NFL games about as much as KISS is entitled to sing the National Anthem. Teaming him with Cris Collinsworth is like pairing Nick Nolte with Tiger Woods in a golf tournament.
I watched this game listening to a man who must have been thinking about whether he set his TiVo to record CSI or paid his water bill or should have bid on that pair of skiis on Ebay.
As the Cowboys were coming out of the tunnel right before kickoff, Gumbel proclaims, "And here come the Green Bay Packers...I mean Dallas Cowboys...onto the field." Hey bud! What is it about the BLUE and WHITE uniforms with a big BLUE star on the helmet that reminds you of the GREEN Bay Packers? I figured he might have been glancing down at a piece of paper and saw the Packers name just as he was introducing the Cowboys and just slipped. We've all done it.
Not long into the game, Collinsworth began heaping praise on Cowboys RB Marion Barber by talking about his elusiveness, power, etc. Bryant "Gumball" reinforced the point by proclaiming something along the lines of, "Coach Mike McCarthy called him the heart and soul of the Packers offense." I know I didn't just hear that. And, what's worse is that he didn't even correct himself! Hearing silence from Collinsworth spoke volumes.
Here's another one. They began talking about the Sean Taylor tragedy and Gumbel said something like, "Several players from some of the teams will be wearing the "21" patch on their helmets this Sunday." I stared so long into the TV set paralyzed with bewilderment that my head just about imploded. Hey, Gumby! It's really more like ALL the players on EVERY NFL team will be wearing the patch this Sunday --- and TONIGHT, too.
Why is Bryant Gumbel representing the NFL on Thursday Nights? I can't believe that the NFL Network interviewers looked at everyone who auditioned and thought, "Oh my God, this is our guy!" His voice carries no volume. His presence does not command respect and admiration. He strikes me as a substitute teacher who got called in at the last minute and is trying to go through the curriculum on the fly.
Then, I heard something that made me want to drive my fist through his teeth and not stop until I reached his stomach. When the game was over, he mentioned that after the break that their sideline reporter would get some comments about the game from Rick Romo. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I just waited for lightning to strike the television during my vocal tirade. You can't make this up and be taken serious! There is not one executive, coach, or player on the Dallas Cowboys team named Rick. I was speechless.
If there's a silver lining in all of this, it's the fact that there's hope on Thursday nights for all you TV addicts who are stressed over the writer's strike affecting your favorite shows. If you get NFL Network, grab a beer or four and sit down with the family and listen to the incomprehensible Bryant Gumbel call an NFL football game. The laughs will rival Seinfeld, Cheers, or any classic sitcom.
Oh, and as a side note (I'm not making this up): I passed a couple of guys in the break room at work talking about the game and mentioning the Gumbel-Collinsworth call of the game. One of the guys actually asked me, "Do you really think Gumbel is that bad? I mean what about Bob Costas?"
He should be out of ICU in two days.
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